Reflections on a semester

Since last writing an entry, almost five months have passed, and in that period a lot has occurred.

My relationship unfortunately did not work out - January 30th, 2019, the coldest day of the year with record-breaking windchills, my now ex-girlfriend and I broke up. We didn't break up on bad terms - simply put, we knew that a relationship wasn't going to work out. For her, she was overwhelmed with freshman year and realized what her priorities were both in life and in a relationship. For me, I knew I couldn't handle uncertainty, and I didn't feel like my effort was being reciprocated. The months following the break-up were some of the hardest I have experienced emotionally; the withdrawal of being permanently apart from someone I cared for so much, someone who I valued more than just a friend... and I would also always have second thoughts. Was breaking up the right choice? Did I do the right thing? Had I been less rash, could I have prevented the break-up from happening?

Reflecting after three months of being part, I could not be more sure that I did the best for myself. I put my utmost effort into the relationship and, while I had my own personal faults, I was also willing to improve on them. Deep inside I think I tried to convince myself many times that I was satisfied and that any dissatisfaction could be attributed to the long-distance component - but that may obscured any real issues. I learned that I need to take care of myself, because even in a relationship it should be my wellbeing that comes first.

I also learned how to recover from a break-up. Social support is critical; being by myself would have exacerbated the pain. I strengthened previous friendships, made new ones, and got involved in another student group. I required a full three months of time before freeing myself from emotional ties - and I could not feel any better. Curiosity can undermine healing progress when space and separation are most important.

Aside from this, I completed the MCAT after a month of studying 10-12 hours a day. My efforts were well-rewarded with a good score, although I hope to space out my learning more for future standardized tests.

In general, I also did a great job of getting myself out there and meeting new people; while I became tired sometimes after meeting with people upon people, I created for myself a new friend and social support network that I'm very grateful to have.

I also realized that I am ready for relationships and to initiate things by myself. I became close friends with someone who actually helped me recover from my break-up; at first, I only ate dinner with her and her roommate. Gradually, I spent more time with her and her alone; conversation never seemed to be boring around her. One particular night I spent time with her on Geoguessr until late in the evening, and I began to contemplate whether I had feelings for her. Evening upon evening spending 2+ hours with her confirmed this suspicion, and a weekend during finals her and I even went out for ice cream at Izzy's in Minneapolis to watch the sunset by the Stone Arch Bridge. Last night, after the end of finals and finally moving on from my previous relationship, I took the move to ask her on a date - and she reciprocated her interest. I was taken back a little by how enthusiastic she was, but also very relieved. While our date hasn't been finalized (as we have just returned home and have plans to meet friends), I'm really excited.